D is for Dismissiveness: Unpacking the DIMMER model of narcissistic behavior patterns

He was ‘just joking.’ He was ‘just teasing.’ He was ‘just stressed.’ But the truth? He was dismissing you. And dismissiveness is never harmless—it’s a tool of control.

I really like Dr. Ramani’s DIMMER model for defining the behaviors that exist in the narcissistic abuse cycle—dismissiveness, invalidation, minimization, manipulation, exploitativeness, and rage. These words give us a way to describe behaviors that outsiders might brush off as “not a big deal.” They describe the very things we, as survivors, often excuse or minimize as a form of self-preservation. Over time, we normalize the abuse.

Dismissiveness can be so subtle that we don't even recognize it when it's happening. He's just distracted because he's stressed at work. "He just likes to tease me. Our ideas of fun are just different." So let's talk about what it looks like in this dynamic.

According to Merriam-Webster, dismissiveness is defined as “serving to dismiss or reject someone or something; having or showing a disdainful attitude toward someone or something regarded as unworthy of serious attention.” This can show up as overt dismissals of personal achievements—or more subtly, as dismissals of your ideas and values woven into daily life. In abusive dynamics, it doesn’t always look obvious—it often hides under the mask of humor, distraction, or stress

Let's look at some examples of what the latter looks like. Whenever one of my friends would call the house for me and my then-husband answered, he would without fail say, "Carie who?" after they asked for me. Every. Single. Time. It was so tiresome. I had more than one tell me after I left that they used to dread calling the house when he answered because they knew what he was going to do. "He was just joking or having playful banter". No he wasn't. He was reminding me and my friend that I wasn't important. It might have been funny once, but after the 175th time, it's just not anything but dismissiveness.

Or how about anytime we would be leaving the house as a family? I was always the last one in the car because I was the one making sure everything was off, closed, and that we had anything we would need while we were out. I'd walk up to car and reach for the passenger door handle, only to have him take his foot off the brake and roll forward. Every. Single. Time. HAHAHA. Isn't he funny? Isn't that funny, kids? See how frustrated mommy is that I keep doing this thing to her?HAHAHA. Dismissiveness.

But it doesn't stop at dismissing your personhood--or your motherhood--it dismisses your values and concerns as well. I told mine that I didn't want him to leave the car running while he filled the tank and our kids were in the backseat. Guess what he would do. Every time. He didn't get away with this one because he couldn't sit in the car and guard the key while he simultaneously pumped the gas that could turn us all into a fireball. I'd just turn it off. He still did it though--he had a point to make. Dismissiveness.

Let him know you'd like him to slow down on the twisty gravel road that you're sliding all over with your kids in the backseat? Faster! Crazier! "Mommy never wants to have any fun!" Whhheeeee!

Tell him it's important to you to sit down as a family for dinner that you've taken the time to prepare? He will almost always "be on a call" during that time, regardless of how much notice you've given him about when it will be ready. Dismissiveness.

Birthdays and holidays? Don't even get me started. Not acknowledging you on days where that's the whole point is like the dismisser's dream. The day you were born? You're not special. Mother's Day? You're not my mother.

Dismissiveness comes in lots of different packages. Sometimes it gets dropped right on your head. More often than not it gets slipped into your backpack while you're busy trying to manage the chaos of life with young children and a partner that actively makes it harder on you. You don't notice the gradual increasing weight of it until one day you can hardly stand up under the weight of it.

It may seem small, but it will get heavy.

You'll go to look inside and see all the unhealthy things you've been carrying around--things that you didn't even put in there. Once you examine the dismissiveness and recognize it for what it is--coercive control--you'll be able to start unpacking all the other garbage buried underneath.

I like the DIMMER model because while each of the pieces accurately describes the patterns of behavior that abusers will use, the acronym also accurately describes what the behaviors do to the people on the other end of them. They dim your light. That is the very intention of these behaviors. Dismissiveness sets the stage for the invalidation, manipulation, and rage that will follow.

Maybe you've experienced dismissiveness in your relationship, but you're not sure if it's abusive or fits the DIMMER model of coercive controlling behavior patterns. That's the key--behavior patterns. A partner who is stressed at work and reacts less that super-enthusiastically to your news of a promotion is different than a partner whose reaction is to ask how much more you're getting and then tell you what an insignificant difference it will make in your paycheck.

Maybe you've lived this so long you don't know any other way. Maybe the person who was dismissive was your parent. Recognizing dismissiveness in your life is a great place to start to reclaim your power. You deserve people in your life who will celebrate your wins and comfort you in your losses. You deserve people who don't tease you and make jokes at your expense; people who want to celebrate you and your existence on this earth and in their life--not punish you for shining your light.

Dismissiveness is never “just a joke.” It’s never “just teasing.” And it’s never “just stress.” It’s a deliberate pattern of minimizing, mocking, or ignoring your needs, your values, and your very existence.

The DIMMER model reminds us that these behaviors aren’t random—they are tactics designed to dim your light. Recognizing dismissiveness is the first step toward unpacking the rest of the abuse cycle: invalidation, minimization, manipulation, exploitativeness, and rage.

You deserve relationships where your voice matters, your achievements are celebrated, and your presence is honored. Anything less isn’t love—it’s control.