You Left Your Abuser. Now What?

I saw a video earlier from a young woman, asking for advice from those of us that have left abusive relationships. She asked specifically, "What's one piece of advice that you have?" and then went on to explain that she left with nothing but her and her daughter's personal documents and the desire to be free from abuse. She was hopeful and excited about her freedom and ability to recenter her life around her and her daughter.

I remember that feeling--of the weight being lifted, of freedom, and the hope that things from that point forward would be different--because you were taking back your life and creating a safe space for you and your children. The comment section on her video was filled with congratulations and encouragement, as well as advice that ranged from the practical (never put anything in anyone else's name) to the spiritual (pray and give it all to God). It made me think for a minute. I have a lot of advice I'd give, but what would be the one thing?

And here's what I came up and that I decided was worthy of a blog entry:

Do the work to identify your own core wounds and heal the version of you that ended up in the abusive relationship in the first place. Heal the you that stayed in that abusive relationship for 11, 15, 20 years. Do the work. It is the most important thing.

How will I find the time for this? I'm working two jobs to pay bills and my kids demand every other moment of free time that I have. The truth is, I don't know how--I learned this lesson the hard way. I believed subconsciously that my "unfortunate situation" was because some other person had been abusive towards me and caused me harm. It never even occurred to me to question my own role in allowing it all to happen. Not to assign blame or to absolve the other party from their role in inflicting harm, but to fix the brokenness in me that allowed it to go on for so long.

Skipping this step means you're moving into future relationships with that same brokenness. The abandonment wound that convinced you to settle for less than you deserved at best, coercive control and violence at worst, came with you when you finally had the courage to walk away. It's the secret compartment in your suitcase--easy to ignore or bury with the current pile of dirty laundry, but always there.

You'll find it again when you choose another emotionally unavailable man to abandon yourself for. You'll stand before him in tears, deep in a trauma response, begging for him to respond to your need for connection and comfort, only to recognize that the blank stare looking back at you is incapable of that. You're on your own. Figure it out. Again.

Recognizing your own wounds and how they've impacted the choices you've made in your life is a game changer. It's where real healing happens. It's what will give you the strength to reclaim your power--the power that sets boundaries and doesn't allow those that disrupt that peace into your circle. This is truth not just for those that have left abusive relationships, but for everyone, really. Look inside. Repair the roots. Understand yourself and the wounds you've carried for so long--generational trauma that our ancestors have been hiding in that secret compartment for centuries.

For those that are leaving abusive relationships--I know how impossible this seems in the face of all that you're navigating. The day-to-day survival while you're caring for your kids and trying to provide a safe space for them is all-encompassing. You're still very much operating in a trauma response. It's easy to get overwhelmed and focus on all the external things that seem so out of your control.

Look inward. I promise you--it will change your life. Who were your role models? What did you learn about love? What did you learn about your own value? When you do that, you start to understand your programmed patterns and why you made some of the choices you made--chose the partners you chose, tolerated the abuse for so long.

There you have it--Identifying and acknowledging your core childhood wound is my "one thing". It's the most important thing and the thing that will empower you the most. It will change the way you respond to post-separation abuse, how you parent your children, co-parent with your abuser, and ultimately create an emotionally safe space for you and your children to thrive.

Maybe you don't have the capacity to do much in this moment. That's okay. Knowing is the most important thing. Now you know. And if you're ready to step down that path and looking for a place to start, try sitting down with a notebook and answering this question: What did I learn about love growing up?