What is a “high-conflict” individual, and how do I know if I’m dealing with one?

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A high-conflict individual (HCI) shows a consistent pattern of behavior that can be confusing and exhausting to deal with. These patterns often get worse after separation. You may be dealing with one if the other parent:

• Was minimally involved in day-to-day parenting but is now demanding 50/50 or full custody

• Seems more focused on “winning” or hurting you than on what’s best for your children

• Floods you with texts, emails, or calls, or uses the children to pass messages

• Ignores or bends court orders, then blames you when things go wrong

• Keeps returning to court with new motions or allegations

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These are often signs of post-separation abuse, a pattern of using the legal system, communication, and the children to maintain control. If this list feels familiar, you’re not imagining it, and you don’t have to navigate it alone.

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What is a high-conflict divorce coach (HCDC), and how is that different from a regular divorce coach?

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A regular divorce coach helps people move through a fairly typical separation. A high-conflict divorce coach is trained specifically for cases where the other parent doesn’t play by the rules. I’m certified through Tina Swithin’s High Conflict Divorce Coach program, which focuses on post-separation abuse and family court strategy. I've also received certification in coercive control through Dr. Christine Cocchiola's program.

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I combine that training with my own lived experience, my studies in social work, and a trauma-informed approach. I understand how these personalities operate and how family court tends to respond, and I’ll help you approach your case with realistic expectations and a clear strategy focused on your children’s best interests.

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If I’m working with a high-conflict divorce coach, do I still need a lawyer?

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Yes. A coach is one part of your support team, alongside your attorney, any therapists, and the trusted friends and family in your corner. I don’t provide legal advice or therapy. What I can do is help you know what to look for, find professionals who understand high-conflict dynamics, and make your work with them more focused and effective.

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I’m worried about the cost. Wouldn’t it be cheaper to just stick with my lawyer?

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Coaching often saves money in the long run. Many family law attorneys aren’t specifically trained in high-conflict dynamics, and their time is expensive.

Here’s a common example: the other parent sends a stream of hostile messages, and you forward each one to your lawyer, hoping this will be the one that shows the judge what’s really going on. Each time, you’re billed for your lawyer to read it and advise you on a response, and a pile of forwarded messages rarely persuades a court the way you hope.

I’ll help you build communication and documentation strategies that present information clearly and credibly, so your lawyer receives organized evidence instead of a flood of screenshots. That saves you time and legal fees, and most attorneys appreciate working with a prepared, focused client.

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What if I’m well into my case, or already divorced and still facing legal battles or false allegations?

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It’s never too late. Wherever you are in the process, we’ll start with a 30-min intake session to look at where things stand, set realistic goals, and build a strategy to move forward.

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What if I need support between sessions?

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High-conflict cases don’t stick to a schedule, and a single difficult email can upend your week. My Steady Ground Monthly plan gives you ongoing support, including email review and drafting suggestions, documentation guidance, and a monthly coaching session, so you’re never facing a high-pressure moment alone.

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Why choose SpiritSong High Conflict Divorce Coaching?

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I bring three things to this work:

• Experience. Both my own and those of countless clients. I understand the fear, the exhaustion, and the strategy it takes to get through.

• Specialized training. I’m a certified high-conflict divorce coach and am completing my Bachelor of Social Work with an intention of pursing my graduate degree directly afterward.

• A trauma-informed approach. You’ll be treated as the expert on your own life and your children, never judged or rushed.

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Ultimately, the right fit is something you’ll feel. I believe that when we trust our instincts, we find the people we’re meant to walk alongside. If you’ve read this far, perhaps that’s us. Reach out, and let’s find out together.