I is for Invalidation: The second layer of the DIMMER model of narcissistic abuse

“Stop being so sensitive. You’re overreacting. That never happened.”

Sound familiar? That’s not just criticism—it’s invalidation. And invalidation is one of the most powerful tools abusers use to erase your reality.

On the surface invalidation seems a lot like dismissiveness, but there's a nuanced difference that we're going to explore here. According to Merriam Webster, invalidation means “to weaken or destroy the cogency of.” Put simply: dismissiveness erases your importance; invalidation erases your reality. Over time, invalidation conditions you to silence yourself, doubt yourself, or even apologize for having feelings. It slowly erodes your ability to trust your own instincts and may even leave you asking yourself if you really are going crazy. Where dismissiveness says “you’re not important,” invalidation says “you’re wrong for feeling that way.”

Sound familiar? Have you ever caught yourself apologizing just for feeling something?

So what do the invalidating behaviors look like in everyday life? Invalidation comes in several forms: emotional, experience, value, accomplishment, and the more subtle everyday invalidation. Emotional invalidation can look like someone telling you you're being too sensitive, you're overreacting, or telling you that the thing you're upset about didn't really happen or wasn't that bad.

Here's a fun example that takes dismissiveness and moves into invalidation. My ex used to think it was fun to tickle me at night when we'd go to bed. Never once did I ever enjoy being tickled or pretend that it was something fun for me. In fact, it used to make me angry. He would start doing it, I'd ask him to stop. He didn't. I would get angry and reactionary until finally I'd snap and start yelling and attacking him, asking him if this was fun for him and how did he like it. He'd laugh and give me an "Okay, I'll stop", but it was always followed by "You never want to have any fun anymore" or accuse me of overreacting. He would push me until he got a reaction and then accuse me of overreacting and being "not fun" because I didn't want to be tickled. Invalidation.

And here’s the kicker—this was happening before we were even married. I ignored the red flag, like so many of us do, because I didn’t yet have the language to name it. That’s exactly why I’m so determined to speak up now.

Experience invalidation minimizes your experiences. Sometimes it's straightforward--"That's not how that happened" or "That wasn't even that bad". Easy enough to identify. But most of the experiential invalidation revolves around your experiences with the abuser--they invalidate your feelings or responses to things they have said and done. "That's not what I said" or the even more crazy-making, "That's not what I meant". Experience invalidation is nearly always followed by emotional invalidation--the event didn't take place or I didn't say the thing, but also, you're way overreacting and being dramatic.

Value invalidation means whatever is important to you will be silly, or unworthy of the emotional response you're having to my disregard of the value. You value routines and have a well-established bedtime routine with the kids? I like to get the kids riled up during that time to throw everything off. They see your frustration. The only thing that makes them happier than seeing the frustration is getting to point out how "Mommy's no fun" or "Calm down, we're just having a little fun".

Accomplishment invalidation rolls its eyes when you share something you're proud of. Or it points out their better or similar accomplishment. It points out that "Anyone could do that." But again, it's rarely that overt. Often it looks more like pointing out flaws or creating barriers to your achievements. You tell him you want to go back to school to get your degree--"We can't afford it. We can't afford the gas money back and forth to classes". I know that whenever I had an idea or something that I wanted to pursue, I could almost always count on my ex to respond with all the ways that I wouldn't be able to do it, or why "we" couldn't even try. It's not just that they don't want to acknowledge your accomplishments, it's that they would prefer we not accomplish anything in the first place.

The more subtle "everyday" invalidation includes behaviors like eye-rolling or changing the subject when you're trying to discuss something important to you. Mine loved to catch me in a slip of the tongue--mispronounce or stumble over a word? He was going to make sure to point it out and mock me for it. It goes to illustrate how these types of people are really just fragile and insecure. They attack what they see in you that they know they don't have. They are attracted to your light--the pieces in them that are broken-- and then spend their time working relentlessly to make sure to snuff it out.

Invalidation is the gaslighting fuel to the DIMMER fire and will leave you questioning your reality and wondering if you really are going crazy. You're not. Invalidation is never about honesty. It’s never about helping you ‘toughen up.’ It’s about control. When someone repeatedly tells you your feelings don’t matter, what they’re really saying is: you don’t matter. Recognizing invalidation is the second step in unpacking the DIMMER cycle—and the second step in reclaiming your truth.

Invalidation isn’t about you being ‘too sensitive.’ It’s about someone else needing to silence you to stay in control. The more you name it, the less power it has.

 Have you ever been told you were ‘too sensitive’ or ‘overreacting’? That’s invalidation. Share your story—I’d love to hear how you’ve recognized it in your life.

Next up in unpacking the DIMMER model: Minimization