My Biggest Mistake: What-Not-to-Do When Co-Parenting With a Narcissist

This is a tough one for me. I have spent the better part of the last eight years doing the heavy lifting of healing from cptsd and cultivating a life that includes healthy relationships and emotional support. It's been a bit of a double-edged sword because learning and growing has given me the opportunity to see my own culpability in some of the strained relationships I have today with my grown children.

I know exactly the ways I failed them. I absolutely did not have the tools to support them emotionally through the divorce of their father. I did not understand the complex dynamics of coercive control or narcissistic abuse. I didn't know how to show them the truth and give them support to identify and manage their own emotions--because I couldn't even do that for myself.

But what was the mistake? Pushing my kids to accept a narrative about their entire world that contradicted everything they'd been conditioned to believe-when they were nowhere close to being ready to hear or even consider it. The specifics of that incident aren't important. I was in throes of my own trauma responses. I was given confirmation about some things that I'd suspected and thought that it would be the thing I could point to for my kids and say "See?" They didn't. And they were so angry. At me.

I'm still working to undo that damage.

It's not really any different than marching into a compound where your sister disappeared 10 years ago and saying, "You're in a cult!" and expecting her to say "Oh snap! Let me go pack my stuff!" It might be easier if it was just a cult, but this is the only world that our children know. This is their parent--their protector. Sure, he yells at them, imposes ridiculous and arbitrary rules, and does everything in his power to damage their connection to you, but he is their father and you're always safer when you're compliant with the abuser.

As they grow, they learn to pacify the abuser--to do the right things, say the right things, walk on eggshells and learn when to ask if they need something. They may even start to adopt some of the abuser's behaviors--which will trigger you SO hard.

I will devote more blog time to recognizing trauma responses in our kids and provide more specific strategies for dealing with the challenges that come from co-parenting with an abusive person, who is actively attempting to break the connection you have with your children. But for now, the most important thing you can know is that you cannot and should not ever attempt to show or tell your children who their other (abusive) parent is.

It's you. You need to focus on healing yourself, showing up in your power and not letting the negative narrative that is being painted to trap you into thinking you have to defend or prove yourself. It feeds the idea that there is validity and that the children have to choose "who to believe". You don't convince them--you show them.

No energy for the false accusations. "That's not true" and then move on...build connection. Create a space that is calm, and safe for them to express themselves. Validate their emotions and teach them that nobody can tell them how they feel. Teach them about boundaries, and how to use their voices to speak their truths. Model for them.

Keep showing them who you are--don't push them to see who he is.

That's it. My biggest regret. Pushing my kids to see who I think their father is, rather than let them come to their own conclusions--with a safe, emotionally supportive mom they could talk about hard stuff with. It wasn't for lack of trying. I just didn't know how.

I do now. And I hope that one day, when they are ready, I will have an opportunity to show them.

#healing

#traumahealing

#coparenting

#narcissist

*This was a very personal and very difficult blog for me to write. I've been thinking of my grandmother a lot lately, and generational trauma. I believe that we are experiencing a sort of collective healing that will effectively break some of these cycles. As I sat down to write this, a photo I have of her on the bulletin board above my desk fell down and onto the floor in front of me. I like to think it was her little way of saying HI and validating that yes, I'm on the right path and that this world is breaking those cycles.