Child Custody Mediation With a Narcissist: A Gift in Disguise?

Anything that ends with "with a narcissist" is liable to be triggering for anyone who's been in a relationship with someone who has abusive narcissistic behaviors, but the idea of going into an environment where the court is expecting you to be able to negotiate an agreement about how much time your kids will have to spend with your abuser is...I don't have the words for how terrifying and triggering that can be.

The Gift of Mediation?

We know what it's like to try to negotiate or communicate with a narcissist about anything other than them or what they see as the solution. I can't tell you how many times I tried to explain the difference between agreement and understanding to my ex. "You don't understand, he'd say before launching into 'the lecture' about why I was wrong". No, I understood. I disagreed. In his mind, the only reasonable explanation for my disagreement was that I didn't understand, because if I understood, I'd see how right he was, obviously. <insert eye roll>

But what if I told you it could be a gift in disguise? Mediation is an attempt to come to an agreement, often mandated by the judge to try to prevent going to trial. The fear is that if you can't come to an agreement, regardless of who the unreasonable party is, you may be perceived by the judge as an equal part of the problem. There are strategies that I'll share in a minute about how to help separate yourself from the "high conflict" and let the court see for themselves where the "conflict" is coming from.

But first, the gift part. Mediation is an opportunity to see their strategy and identify their motivators (money and to inflict post-separation abuse, or revenge are top motivators). What are they likely to tell the court, if it gets that far? It allows you to showcase how reasonable you can be and how you are making decisions that are in the best interests of your children. You don't have to agree to anything.

So many narcissists believe that mediation is just another opportunity to steamroll you into agreeing with whatever it is they want. Many of them won't handle it well if you stand your ground on the things that are important to you--their mask may even fall a bit and they may show their true colors, with witnesses. Some states, oddly enough, don't allow any testimony from failed mediation in future court cases, but even then it's validating to see others come to the same frustrating conclusions about this person you're supposed to be coming to an agreement with--it's impossible. They are not reasonable.

Shifting your mindset from one of fear to one where you can see the opportunity will help soften those triggers and give you more power in the process of mediation with a narcissist. You go in knowing that you don't have to agree to anything. You present your authentic, reasonable self, and offer reasonable solutions or alternatives. In some cases, you show flexibility and you provide reasonable explanations to support your inflexibility in others. You never go in guns blazing telling the mediator that your ex is an abusive narcissist. You let them see the behaviors and you share in their perplexion about why this person is being so unreasonable. Calm, cool, and authentic.

I know that's oftentimes easier said than done. Being in a relationship with an abusive person with narcissistic behaviors can feel like you're constantly playing defense. You spend your life having to work around their behaviors and "agree" to keep the peace. They want you to do that again in mediation and without awareness, you may walk into it half defeated and reactionary--still operating from your trauma response.

If you can go into it knowing that you are not required to agree to anything, centered in the power that you have your kids' best interest at heart and behaving authentically and reasonably, the narcissist will almost always show their true colors. They may even spend a ridiculous amount of time going back and forth, only to reject the very offer they made--and you agreed to-- because they couldn't modify it significantly after the fact. They may storm out of the negotiations. All the while you're patient, reasonable, and perplexed by their behavior.

Mediation doesn't have to be a bad thing. Scary? Maybe. But if you can recognize the opportunity and manage your emotions and trauma responses through it, you may be surprised at the gift it ends up being.

#highconflictdivorce

#divorcinganarcissist

#mediation

If you are finding yourself facing a custody dispute or mediation with your abuser and would like to schedule a consultation, I'd love to connect. Send me a note here to get it scheduled.