Understanding the Narcissistic Playbook

The current state of political affairs in the United States has me a little shook lately. It's a replay of 2016 to some extent, but I've done a lot of work since then. The triggers are there, but not as intense and I can separate myself enough from the onslaught of abuse tactics to recognize it for what it is, even though my nervous systems is operating on "frayed end of an electrical cord" status a lot of the time lately.

Part of what is making the difference for me this time around is recognizing the narcissistic playbook being implemented on the national level. It's not much different than what happens when you're trying to divorce a narcissist. I know of more than one real-life example where an abusive parent has by their own actions, been absent from the child's life for years post-divorce, only to come back into the picture years later and create chaos, demand equal custody, and level false allegations of "alienation" at the healthy parent.

If you are the healthy parent in this scenario, you see the effect that it's having your kids, you know the damage that this person will inflict, and you're likely paralyzed by the onslaught of accusations and demands of equal parenting time that are triggering your nervous system. To think about a court system that will likely hand over 50% custody to this person is almost too much to think about. You may even find yourself trying to rationalize with or appease the abuser, in an attempt to get them to behave in more rational ways.

The thing to understand about narcissists is that they don't have the capacity to be rational. Their sole intent is to cause harm, to keep you in that heightened state of fight or flight and to "win" at all costs (the child's or in some cases, the country's best interests).

One of the most valuable things that I bring to the equation as a high-conflict divorce coach, is the ability to think strategically and to identify the patterns of behavior so common in personality disordered abusers. The 30 texts you've gotten over the last two days aren't really about that school function or the kids' schedule--they're about controlling the narrative and keeping you in a defensive position--keeping you emotional and engaged.

Learning to recognize this as a pattern of coercive control or working with a coach who can help you sort through the barrage and respond in ways that allow the court to see for themselves who the rational and healthy parent is can be a game changer.

Narcissists are notorious for being big talkers. They're not trying to have a conversation with you, they're using tactics to keep your nervous system engaged and trigger an emotional response. The more they feel like they're achieving that goal, the more they will continue to use those tactics. In a case like the one mentioned above, where the narcissist has been voluntarily absent from the child's life, it could look like filing for full custody, or demanding that they get visitation or access to the child on their terms and schedule. The healthy parent may try to work with them in order to appease them, or encourage reciprocal consideration, but that's the trap.

Narcissists aren't capable of reciprocation when it comes to things like consideration of others'-time, attention, or needs--especially their children.

One of the scariest and most triggering aspects of divorcing or having to go to court with a narcissist is the feeling that you have to defend every bogus lie and accusation thrown your way; that you are required to "prove" that you're not all of those things, or that you have to come up with a defense for all of the random attacks that don't seem to be centered in reality and rarely come to fruition.

"Watch what they do, not what they say" is some of the best advice I've heard for dealing with a narcissist, in any area of your life--your abusive ex, your parent, or even the President of the United States. So much of what they do is a show. It's designed to create chaos and stoke fear.

As a coach, I can help you wade through the garbage. We'll work on creating space for you to observe and not react to the onslaught in ways that keep you engaged or appearing before the court as part of the "conflict" they see in front of them. We'll create a profile of the narcissist and identify their tactics for what they are. We'll look at and document patterns of behavior that tell a far better story than anything you will ever be able to convey to the court through your defensive, triggered responses to their chaos.

If we take this understanding and approach to the national political scene, we can employ the same strategies. Right now the Narcissist in Chief is behaving like a typical narcissist who just got the power and ability to exact revenge on the people that have dared to cross him or hold him accountable for his actions. He's making outlandish claims about buying Greenland and Canada becoming the 51st state--as if an entire country would give up its sovereignty because he suggested it. It's all static. It's chaos for the sake of creating outrage and keeping the American people wringing their hands in despair.

Don't get me wrong, I am outraged by some of the actions he and his "administration" have already taken--and those are the things we can be vocal about. We can take appropriate action like contacting our representatives or showing up to protests. We can stop supporting companies that have rolled back their diversity, equity, and inclusion policies. Getting ourselves in a tizzy about what will happen if he tries to invade Greenland seems less effective and only emboldens the narcissist. Don't feed the beast.

I can't even begin to imagine what the future looks like in this country. The Narc-in-Chief is a manifestation of all that is wrong with our country and the systems that control our lives. Maybe they need to be destroyed. I mean, he does seem to be hell-bent on doing just that. We'll survive and even thrive on the other side of it if we're taking care of ourselves, those we love, and our communities. Don't let the chaos consume you, in any aspect of your life. Narcissists will almost always spin out--especially one surrounded by other narcissists vying for attention and power on the same stage.

I hope you'll join me in not to focus on the chaos--to take each day at a time and to confront the realities as they arise. I'm going to take care of me and mine--and when the crash happens, and the dust settles, and we're left having to deal with the aftermath, I'll be ready, along with a community of warriors that didn't jump into battle guns blazing, but instead stood back and let the monster destroy itself.

#narcissiticmeltdown

#divorcinganarcissist