America is (Still) in an Abusive Relationship

I had a past client reach out to me this morning and thank me for my blog posts that attempt to bring attention to the correlation between the current administration and abusive relationships--especially where the abuser has narcissistic characteristics and behaviors. They are struggling amidst this chaos and have told me that my posts have been the best they've come across in drawing parallels, and that they've found comfort in them. Understanding why we're so triggered by all of this doesn't mean it magically disappears.

The truth is I've been struggling as well. The collision of this second term with other big traumas, triggers, and life events has me alternately frozen in inaction, crying at the drop of a hat, or boiling over with rage. I know I'm not alone.

After our brief conversation, I started thinking about what stage we're at in the abusive relationship metaphor. We're past "abuser got full custody of the kids, even with credible evidence of abuse". I believe we're at "Abuser takes victim back to court for more child support and also continues to work to intentionally fracture the parental relationship with the child". This is not a "theoretical" situation. It happens every day in our already broken family court system.

And now it's happening on the world stage.

The abuser wasn't happy with winning, he has to destroy you for not supporting him. He has to reward all the flying monkeys that have enough money to buy his favor, so he gives them all jobs helping to take care of the kids he never really wanted to have to parent in the first place. But they don't know how to take care of kids, so they scream at them and tell them that nobody loves them and that their mother is a terrible human being for being so abusive towards them.

The kids start to believe it because so many people, including their father, are telling them again and again how awful you are. The kids learn to keep themselves safe by showering their father with adoration and praise, hoping that he won't turn on them like he did their mother and so many of the "friends" that came along after. They may even start participating in the abusive behaviors, gaining favor with their father by introducing new bills that target her freedom, or proclamations that exclaim, "NOT all are welcome here!"

It's excruciating to live through when you don't understand what's happening. It's excruciating to live through when you don't understand the people in the abuser's inner circle fawning over him, trying to please him, making him their golden calf, even as he dismantles every institution that made our country a beacon for democracy around the world. He's intentionally harming the children to prove he won and to make you pay for leaving him.

It's a helpless feeling. It's screaming into the void and getting blank stares and silence in return. It's trying to tend your wounds while the blows are still coming. Your kids are sitting ringside, getting blood all over them and no one is coming to save either of you.

It's a hopeless feeling. And I don't want to leave you feeling hopeless. Life is a perpetual state of cycles, of repeating the harms and the sins of the generations before us. I have been clinging to the idea that what is happening right now in our country is the death rattle of the patriarchal systems that have allowed corruption and greed to become the mainstay of our political discourse and that have infected society at every level. Some days it helps, and others, not so much.

If you're struggling today, I'm right there with you. The best I have for you today is the idea that you're not alone. That, and the encouragement that taking care of you right now is the only thing you have some control over. Do something that brings you joy if you can. I'm going to go paint, because that's what I've got right now.

You're not alone.