To the Mom at the Sink on Mother's Day

Another year, another Mother's Day. I'm scrolling TikTok and see more than a few videos from mothers (especially with young children) reporting their disappointment--standing over the sink washing dishes after dinner that she made while her husband and father of the young children you can hear in the background--dismisses the fact that he hasn't even acknowledged that it's Mother's Day. He goes on provide excuse after excuse about why he shouldn't have had to and dismisses her again and again.

It's a heartbreaking life to live. Hoping every holiday or birthday that just maybe this will be the year he surprises you with a thoughtful gift, or even just a card. Maybe he took the kids to shop for you, like you do for his birthdays, Christmas, Father's Day. Maybe he'll remember the way you and the kids took the time to bake his favorite cake, and decorate it with whatever theme he decided he wanted that year, and do the same for you. Maybe this will be the year. Maybe this will be the occasion that he makes up for all the times he let you down.

Ladies, if you're a mother and still in partnership with the kids' father, and he didn't acknowledge Mother's Day, please understand that you deserve better. It's a sign that at best, he's selfish and lazy; at worst, an abuser using special days to remind you that you're not special and he's the most important person in the house. You have the nerve to express frustration or disappointment? You're being ridiculous. "It's just a stupid made-up holiday." "You're not MY mother".

You can rationalize it any way you like--he's not into holidays, or "gift giving isn't one of his love languages", or even just dismiss it altogether because it really is just one day. You've got him, the kids, the house and probably a job to take care of for another 364 days before it comes around again. I'm sure he will remember how hurt you were and next year he'll make up for it.

I'm here to tell you that he won't and it's not just that he didn't acknowledge Mother's Day--it's that he dismissed you and told you that your desire for even the most basic of recognition--a simple "Happy Mother's Day" on this nationally recognized day to appreciate mothers for being the mother of his children was silly. He told you that you were being ridiculous and he refused to utter the words. He had a point to prove by then.

He doesn't value you. You told him what you needed and he told you that you were wrong. Silly. Your kids are watching all of this. Your daughter is learning that moms do everything for everyone, and expect nothing in return. Your son is learning that he doesn't need to put forth effort in a relationship or to make his partner feel valued.

Think about your daughter as a young mother, many years from now. She and her partner are in the kitchen the evening of Mother's Day, having a conversation. Do you hope that he's got his arms wrapped her, telling her how thankful he is for her and the mother that she is for their children? Do you hope that there's no dishes in the sink for her to wash, because he took care of that and the kids while she got to take a nice hot bath and relax? Now think about her again, standing there in her own kitchen, over her own sink, having this exact same conversation.

Think about your son, grown with a family of his own. His voice in the background of a young mom on TikTok's video, refusing to even utter the words Happy Mother's Day to his partner and mother of his children when she simply states that some acknowledgement would have been nice.

It's exactly what they're learning. They deserve better. You deserve better.

You deserve a partner that #1, you didn't have to remind to wish you a Happy Mother's Day in the first place, and #2, if you did have to remind them, would at least acknowledge their failure to recognize and at minimum mutter a "Happy Mother's Day" under their breath.

I was talking to my therapist the other day about what kind of work I might do with my social work degree. She asked about marriage counseling. It was a fast HELL NO. I would have a prescription pad with only one option to check: Leave him.

I know easier said than done and there are many reasons women can't just leave. But if you're the proverbial (or literal) woman at the sink washing the dirty dishes trying to convince your partner to at least tell you Happy Mother's Day, I want you to know that really sucks. You'll never be able to find the kind of love you deserve (hint: it's inside YOU) while you have a man in your life working overtime to show you how unimportant you are.

I hope you can find your way to a healthier place.