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The Indictment: Why it Matters.

I've alluded to the fact that 2016 was a very triggering year for me. If you haven't guessed yet what the trigger for that PTSD spiral was, it was DT (I can't even bring myself to type out his name). I remember being on a mission trip in Guatemala with the church we had been attending at the time. Here we were, going out into the streets where people were literally digging through piles of trash to feed themselves, visiting the church sponsored orphanage where we were told by the guide about a little boy smiling at us through one of the windows at the intake house where new kids came to "acclimate". He had just the day before witnessed both his father and his little sister get shot in the face while they were on a train. We drove through their neighborhoods with homes built of cinderblock and aluminum panels, small, undernourished children waving at us from the doorways. We were there to save their souls. All the while a large percentage of the group I was with was supporting DT--the guy calling the people trying to come across our border to seek asylum rapists and chanting "Build that wall!" How do you reconcile that in your mind? How do you see with your own eyes that these are human beings living in conditions that we can't begin to fathom, many facing literal death every day, who at some point might decide that taking their kids and walking over 1,000 miles through the desert is a better option--and still support that man and his agenda? I didn't get it then and I don't get it now, but I digress a bit.


Don't even get me started on the "grab 'em by the pussy" thing. Everything about him and the situation was triggering for me. Watching the people around me, including my husband at the time, support that sociopath sent me spiraling. One day I figured it out and tried to explain it to my husband. It felt like if everyone who said they loved me knew everything that I had experienced in my marriage, and still kind of shrugged their shoulders and said "Well, he's never been that way to me" or "Yeah, but he's going to get me a really great deal on a gun I've been wanting"--and then put a bumper sticker with his name on it on their cars. I even had the pastor of the aforementioned church tell me--after I had disclosed sexual assault in an attempt to explain my pain after he was elected that I could "choose to not let it bother me". Nobody cared who this guy was. He really could have stood in the middle of 5th Avenue and shot someone--or raped someone--and gotten away with it.


The litany of evidence of who this person is was on full display--and none of it mattered. He wasn't held accountable for anything that mattered. As president, he had a whole team of flying monkeys at his disposal--to halt investigations, spread lies, and subvert the law. He has lived his entire life getting away with things because he has money (though he's never had as much money as he likes to say he does) and absolutely zero moral compass. He'd sell his own kids if he thought it would benefit him (my money is on Eric first) in some way.


And that is exactly why this indictment matters--accountability. This is someone finally saying "You are not above the law". I don't know what comes next and you might be surprised to learn that I don't even really care. Would I love to see him behind bars for the rest of his life? Of course! Do I think it will happen? Nope. (not on this charge anyway). The truth is that I'm just happy to finally see a speck of accountability, regardless of what comes. I know enough about the type of personality disorder that DT personifies to know that whatever comes won't be pretty. There's nothing quite like the storm of a narcissist losing control (or their perception of control). He may very well spin this for a while and use the attention to feed his ego and his play for martyrdom.


Today, I'm going to take that pastor's advice and choose to not let that bother me. I'm going to be grateful for the fact that accountability has come--courtesy of a porn star. Back when all of this was just making its way into the news cycle, I donated to Stormy Daniel's legal fund. My thinking was that if that was going to be the thing to bring him down, I wanted to be part of it. Not saying I have any kind of power or anything, but here we are...just sayin'.


Accountability. My new favorite word.



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