Exploitativeness and Rage: The Final—and Most Dangerous—Pieces of the DIMMER Model

When survivors learn Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s DIMMER model of narcissistic abuse, the early letters often resonate immediately: dismissal, invalidation, minimization, manipulation. These tactics quietly destabilize your sense of reality and autonomy.

But after separation—especially when children are involved—the final two letters often become the most harmful:

E — Exploitativeness

R — Rage

These are not subtle traits. They are the mechanisms through which control is reasserted when proximity and direct access are lost. And in shared custody situations, children are often the ones who feel the impact most deeply.

Exploitativeness is the use of people as tools rather than as individuals with their own needs, boundaries, and inner lives.

In an intact relationship, this may look like entitlement to your time, emotional labor, or resources. After separation, children often become the most accessible source of leverage.

This can show up as:

• Using children to gather information about the other parent

• Positioning a child as a confidant or emotional caretaker

• Creating loyalty binds (“Don’t tell your mom,” “You’re the only one I can trust”)

• Withholding resources or cooperation to maintain power

• Framing obedience as love and resistance as betrayal

  
  

This is not poor boundaries or “coparenting conflict.” It is exploitation—and it places children in developmentally inappropriate roles they are not equipped to handle.

Over time, children exposed to exploitativeness may internalize the belief that their worth is tied to what they provide rather than who they are. They learn to monitor, manage, and accommodate adult emotions to preserve connection.

That is not resilience. It is survival.

If exploitativeness is the strategy, rage is the enforcement tool.

Narcissistic rage is not ordinary anger. It is a reaction to perceived loss of control, entitlement injury, or exposure. After separation, rage often escalates because the narcissistic parent no longer controls the narrative—or you.

In shared custody situations, rage may look like:

• Explosive reactions to minor boundaries

• Retaliatory legal actions

• Smear campaigns

• Intimidation framed as “strong emotions”

• Emotional withdrawal or punishment when compliance isn’t achieved

Rage isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s cold, silent, or conditional. But whether expressed or implied, children learn quickly what happens when expectations aren’t met.

They learn to scan moods, anticipate reactions, suppress needs, and associate boundaries with danger. Even when rage isn’t directed at them, being exposed to it conditions their nervous system.

This is why “they’re not abusive to the kids” often misses the point.

Separation removes proximity—but it does not remove entitlement.

In fact, it often:

• Threatens the narcissistic parent’s sense of control

• Increases feelings of victimhood

• Activates abandonment fears masked as aggression

Exploitativeness helps regain leverage.

Rage helps reassert dominance.

Together, they create an environment where children are caught between utility and fear.

Protection does not always mean confrontation. In high-conflict, coercively controlling situations, it often means containment, predictability, and reality-anchoring.

That can include:

• Teaching children they are not responsible for adult emotions

• Keeping boundaries brief, boring, and consistent

• Avoiding emotional explanations that provide exploitable material

• Documenting patterns rather than isolated incidents

• Focusing on impact, not intent

Most importantly, it means helping children—directly or indirectly—learn that love does not require the sacrifice of self.

DIMMER gives language to what once felt confusing or invisible. But exploitativeness and rage remind us that narcissistic abuse is not just emotional—it is relational harm with real developmental consequences.

When healthy parents see these patterns clearly, the question shifts from:

“Why is my child behaving this way?"

To:

"What does my child need to stay emotionally safe?”

And that shift is where real protection begins.

If any of this resonates, please go follow Dr. Christine Cocchiola's work around coercive control and protecting your kids from the ways their coercively controlling, narcissistic parent will continue to influence their behaviors and development. There are tools and strategies to build resilience in your kids and strengthen your healthy relationship with them.

Contact me today for a free 20 min consultation.